Nightmare Garage: Lexus SC 430
Lexus SC 430, shown here attempting to increase its driver’s chance of developing skin cancer.
There is a special point in the Nightmare Garage past which gravity collapses upon itself and no light can penetrate or escape. It is all-encompassing nothingness, Dante’s undiscovered Tenth Circle of Hell where one car floats in the void, mercifully divorced from the road for time immemorial. That hovering mass will be remembered for eternity as one of the greatest automotive failures that mankind ever accomplished. It was humanity’s most terrifying achievement, eclipsing even the mighty atomic bomb in terms of mass devastation. You cannot see it in The Darkness, but you can run your hands over its dumpy jellybean shape and realize that you are touching the abomination that is the Lexus SC 430.
Like Rosemary’s baby, this demon child was poison since its conception. The 1999 Tokyo Motor Show marked the unleashing of the Lexus Sport Coupe concept upon the public, and the world stood aside and gawked at the car’s novelty. “Joy of joys!” they cried, “How can it be a coupe and convertible at the same time?! What kind of devil magic infused this car with a collapsible roof that will keep water at bay as long as it lives?!” But they were all of them deceived, for the wondrous hardtop convertible had distracted them from the awful bodywork. Chief designer Sotiris Kovos is rumored to have thrown a lump of clay down on the ground one night in frustration, and when he looked at the misshapen mass in defeat, he was struck with defeatist’s inspiration. “Fine, whatever,” he decreed, and the SC 430 was born.
Not content with just the eyesore of a body, Toyota saw fit to shove a mighty 4.3L V8 under the hood that allowed the SC4 30 to thrust itself forward with the intensity of a turtle dosed with Ambien. Mated to that was a 5-speed automatic that reacted slower than a deer caught in a bear trap. Mix those two together and you get a car perfect for presenting to your wife so she doesn’t keep asking why you come home stinking of perfume after another long night at the office. Its only purpose was to be sold to people who needed to combine the mind numbing experience of driving a Lexus while also exposing their skin to massive amounts of UV radiation in an attempt to look like the hopeless degenerates of Los Angeles.
The SC 430 is terrible, those who buy it are garbage people, and it was recently crowned the Worst Car Of All Time by Top Gear. If you have a Lexus SC 430, ramp it off a cliff and bask in the only enjoyment the car is able to produce.